Inner|Outer

“If we give priority to the outer life, our inner life will be dark and scary. We will not know what to do with solitude. We will be deeply uncomfortable with self-examination, and we will have an increasingly short attention span for any kind of reflection. Even more seriously, our lives will lack integrity. Outwardly, we will need to project confidence, health and wholeness, while inwardly we may be filled with self-doubts, anxieties, self-pity, and old grudges. Yet we won’t know how to go into the inner rooms of the heart, see clearly what is there, and deal with it. In short, unless we put a priority on the inner life we turn ourselves into hypocrites.” – Timothy Keller, Prayer 

One of the things about being an internal processor is that it makes me more prone to over analysing everything. This was solidified last week when my counsellor said, “You process everything so well on you’re own that I’m not always even sure how to help you. Girl, you’re even good at therapy.” Can I get that skill endorsed on my Linkdin page? Ha. But really, this more or less constant state of self-reflection is something I like about myself and on the other hand, it also drives me f-ing crazy. While it involves being well-thought out and intentional, it also means that I have worried a great deal on the inside about how things appear on the outside. I have given priority to my outer life more times than I can count. After all, it’s what people see that matters, right? Honestly, would we be as content with our relationships, talents, humour, appearance, and thoughts if we didn’t post them and receive the instant gratification of it being liked, shared, and commented on? Do we alone attribute value to those aspects of our own lives, or is some part of their worth in the hands of those we share them with? I don’t know.

I can sit at my computer and write about how much I’ve grown since moving here, how much courage I’ve gained, how strong I feel, etc., and all of those are true to some degree because I have made efforts to prioritize my inner life, but they’re still simply projections. I’ve had to face the fact that what I project is where I want to be and/or where I think other people want me to be. However, that is usually not where I really am.

Facing where you really are involves moving out of your own way. I’ve had to be conscious of where my thoughts drift to when nothing is forcing me to think about anything in particular and I’m not looking at a screen. That tells me a lot. The whole world-turned-upside-down-type stuff that has happened in my life this past year has made the inner rooms of my heart a very hard place to frequent. When I’m down, I keep picturing Jillian Michaels in that 30 Day Shred workout video screaming, “Get comfortable with being uncomfortable!” That’s pretty much how it feels. Being on my own a lot…call it loneliness, call it solitude, has allowed me to see clearly what is there and I’m going to deal with it. The only thing that stands in the way of me getting to the place where my inside and outside match is me. As the brilliant Flannery O’Connor wrote in her prayer journal, “Dear God, I cannot love Thee the way I want to…I do not know You God because I am in the way…I have started on a new phase of my spiritual life…the throwing off of certain adolescent habits and habits of mind. It does not take much to make us realize what fools we are, but the little it takes is long in coming. I see my ridiculous self by degrees.”

Reading that I thought, daaaamn that woman is honest. And then it hit me…

Being honest.

That is what has made going inward, seeing, and dealing so difficult. That’s what is uncomfortable. I have become even more conscious of honesty since being immersed in a culture that is generally put off by it. I have been learning how to be brutally honest in prayer. I find it weird. Unsettling. It takes practice. I have always gone about my conversations with God in a beautifully civil manner. Sure, I’ve prayed through a good sob session plenty of times but lately its gotten real real…you know what I mean? Angry. Pissed. Gutted. Destroyed. Lots and lots of expletives. My entire life I have been keeping myself composed in front of the one from whom I can hide nothing. I just didn’t get to experience the goodness that comes from brutal honesty until I moved out of my own way. Until I abandoned composure. Until I started identifying where I am really at, venting like its my job, and processing it all without an ounce of restraint in God’s presence.

Praying is something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. Although it is the most referenced and commonly shared practice among all faiths, I think that prayer/meditation is one of the most talked about and least understood things ever.  For me, the confusion lies in that prayer is one of the ways I most profoundly experience God’s presence, and yet it is what makes me most aware of God’s absence. Keller also writes,”Perhaps we are so used to being empty that we do not recognize the emptiness as such until we start to try to pray.” Perhaps it is that loneliness which fuels our hunger; a hunger that is eventually always satisfied because ultimately, prayer is communion with God and that reciprocal love is God’s greatest desire.

Love,

Taylor

Getting it

Do you ever say you’re going to do something and then notice that the universe seems to be holding you accountable to what you said you were going to do? All of the sudden you find yourself in those fight or flight situations.

There were three different times this week where I had to hear feedback from people about my weaknesses and every single time it more or less involved the use of my voice.

Say it. Don’t hold back. Figure it out. Say what you want. Be bold. Be brave. Be assertive. Fight for it. Don’t be so eager to please. Yeah, well thanks everyone for sharing your feedback, but all of that ^ is not in my nature. It makes me uncomfortable.It’s just not me. Sorry.

Oh. Damnit. You said you were going to be be fierce this year, remember? Right. Ok, maybe I should figure this out. Maybe there’s something here.

There is. Of course there is. While being outspoken and stubborn is not in my wheelhouse (I seriously doubt it ever will be), it isn’t because I don’t have opinions or want to share them. I know that I can improve on this without having to alter who I am as a person. I’m working on tailoring (or taylor-ing. baahaaha.) this to fit who I am. Being assertive requires a certain degree of confidence that I struggle to reach. And while I would say that I fit the stereotype of the girl who doesn’t know what she wants, I could argue that it’s less about uncertainty and more about having to actually think about it…and then get over the fear of being daring enough to say it. Because when you’re bold and brave with your words and it backfires, zipping the lip feels way more comfortable. I have a chronic fear of not being enough, you know? That sounds cliche and boo-hooey. I feel stupid even writing it. But it’s true. When it came to my most important relationship, I never felt like I could be or do enough. As if I was entered into a competition in which I was set up for failure from the start. When I used my voice, it didn’t make the difference I was hoping for. Maybe I was asking for too much, over reacting, or wanting something unrealistic. Maybe if my body were this, that, or the other thing, it would have worked. The liiiieeesss. The lies we tell ourselves. I don’t think I struggle with self image or confidence any more than the average woman, but from a distance looking back…I realise how much both of those things have taken a beating in the past few years and the fact that other people notice I’m holding back is a sign that something needs to change.

BUT I refuse to look for verbal or emotional affirmation from someone else. I’m going to take the high road. It’s going to come from knowing myself and He who makes me brave and gives me my worth. My growing and stretching capabilities will be on par with freaking Gumby. My body confidence level will be that of a Dove ad campaign. My mind to mouth connection will be as audacious as Mr. West. Work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger. Take this, hataaaas. I’m done with hoping that someday I’ll be enough: successful enough, enough of a reason, desirable enough, fierce enough. Ew. Gross. What a stupid word. I’m just going to do away with it. Enough. It is time for some internal re-wiring. Rather than succumbing to an ounce of solo-mission blues, my first order of V-day business was to wear something that made me feel like a fox and dance around around my room to Motown. And it I was fierce awesome/beautiful/confident/happy/all those good things. Love, Taylor

Bits & Pieces

“You’re not,” he said.

“But I used to be,” I protested.

He looked at me intensely and unafraid saying, “Yeah, but you’re not. Not anymore. You’re not.”

I felt my chest tighten. Little waves rising in my eyes.

I stood up and walked out of sight. My chest heaved forward while the little waves began their descent, crashing into my cheekbones.

I have always been told what I am. 

Until this specific moment, no one has ever told me what I am not. What I can’t be.

Not anymore. I’m not.

..

There is a place that I find to be truly sacred.

This is the place I am most alone.

This is where pray. When I remember to pray, it is almost always here.

This is where I think about what is next or what just happened.

This is where I make the call.

This is where I scribble down what I want to remember.

This is where little pieces of my life lay strewn about.

This is where I have had deep conversations with distraught teenagers. And shallow conversations, too.

This is where I have been kissed goodbye.

This is where I sing.

This is where I try to practice silence.

This is where nearly everyone I love has sat next to me.

This is where I pack everything when I move.

This is where I stay to cry, or rant, or sleep when I don’t want to face the world yet.

This is where I roll down the windows and breathe deep.

This place takes me wherever I need to go.

..

One nice thing about enduring something sad is that it opens up the possibility to re-discover happiness.

When you’re sad, everything in you is saying, “Please! For the love of God. Let me find something happy. Anything. I’ll take anything.”

So you do. You seek out joy in every tiny thing.

You find yourself freaking out about how huge the moon is.

You laugh too hard at everyone’s jokes.

You experience genuine euphoria while adding toppings to your frozen yogurt.

You get overly excited about how kick ass your Excel spreadsheet is at work.

You fall in love with something about everyone.

You live for that first cup of coffee in the morning. Just the smell has you beaming.

You could cry about how adorable that baby is.

You become zealous about taking on any sort of project. All of the sudden you might want to learn how to play the ukelele or become an avid kite flyer.

The way the sun is shining or the wind is blowing could ignite sheer bliss in your soul.

When you’re craving happiness, you can find it everywhere.

Isn’t that great?

 

Love,

Taylor

 

 

 

 

Selfie Nation

For all intents and purposes this is not meant to be offensive. Have a sense of humor.

I have grown up in the boom of social media. From the mirror pictures of Myspace to the filtered foods of Instagram, I have been there done that. I get it. 

I get that I live in a culture that looooooves to post pictures of themselves. I mean, the average American has at some point (myself included) spent at least fifteen minutes of their day taking sixty pictures of themselves in front of the bathroom lights or in the car trying to get the perfect one to post. And then they wait for the “likes” to roll in. I guess we’re all slightly neurotic and need  the digital validation of others. Whatever. But hey, people, I shouldn’t see your face more than the person I live with on a daily basis without having any physical interaction with you. And if you come to mind, the first thing I think of shouldn’t be the rate at which you pose for your camera phone. 

But what really gets me is the selfie captions. The following are adaptions of real selfie captions:

SELFIE

Caption: Had such a great time with my family and friends today. So blessed. 

(Awesome. Then why aren’t you posting a picture of your friends and family? Why am I looking at you?!)

SELFIE

Caption: Making pizza and staying in for movie night.

(Cool. Can I see you shoving that pizza in your mouth instead of smiling creepily at me?)

SELFIE

Caption: On my way to work!

(I really hope you’re not driving and taking pictures of yourself at the same time. What would you say if you got in an accident? I guess if you died, at least everyone would see your face of death/you face death) 

SELFIE

Caption: Mini skirt Monday

(What? There is no such thing. You made that up.)

SELFIE

Caption: 75 minute work out. 30 minute run. 50 squats. 100 crunches. Feeling fit.

(I mean, you’re right, everyone loves seeing your sweat. So inspiring. But this is an important public announcement because…?)

So selfiers- no more self deprecation! You have the ability to tell your followers important things with that face of yours. If you’re going to the trouble of posting those selfies, let your face bare a valuable message about what is happening in the world around us. Things like:

33 Chilean miners found trapped but alive

The number of people fleeing the conflict in Syria has reached 1 million

Due to global warming, arctic shipping routes are now open

Hugo Chavez died

Love, 

Taylor