7 Things Sunday

Goodness. I haven’t done one of these since June.  Oh summer, how you tend to fill up fast and fly by far too quickly.

One. I celebrated my birthday on July 4th! I had breakfast at La Mie with some of my favorite ladies and spent the weekend in Minnesota preparing for the nuptials of my friends Sarah and Shaun. I could not get over what a drop dead gorgeous bride Sarah was. And she threw one heck of a dreamy wedding. I was incredibly honored to be a part of it and feel that I did my due diligence on the dance floor (surprise, surprise). At one point it was only a four year old and I out there literally running in circles to Katy Perry. Oh, and a shout out to Ashley, who cut my bridesmaid dress shorter at the reception so that I could run in those circles.

Little Vivian painted this for me. Isn’t it the cutest, ever?

Two. My job has kept me very busy. Sometimes I want to hyperventilate. John Mark and I stress-eat way too many fruit snacks. But look! So much to love. And I’m thrilled to say that we met our enrollment goal, which I thought would be impossible. Yeah! Teamwork! My last few weeks working will be filled with video production, street art, a back-to-school Literacy Launch, and our end of summer open house/ice cream social (mark your calendars: August 18 from 4-7)!

Three. My UK visa was approved and processed! So, I am OFFICIALLY going to Scotland for graduate school. I leave the first week of September and I will graduate next year in June. Let’s hang out and do fun summer adventure things before I fly away, okay?

Four. I’m obsessed with this quote because I have never read anything that describes so perfectly how I feel nearly all the time:

“My heart wants roots. My mind wants wings. I cannot bear their bickerings.” – E.Y. Harburg

Five. My sister passed flight attendant training school this weekend. She’s going to be the sweetest little stewardess the skies ever did see. So proud of you, Madison! Here’s to your great new adventures.

Six. I was so thankful to be able to enjoy a weekend in the Ozarks at my family’s “Playhouse” with wonderful people. Highlights included: Games of Quelf, King’s Cup, and Powerhour, jumping off the dock, s’mores dip, late night swims to take in the starry night sky, karaoke, a giant bowl of the best guacamole ever, hours of good conversation in the relaxation stations, a group twerk-off (don’t ask), afternoon naps, and celebrating Sterling’s 1st birthday!

Seven. Movies I saw recently and more or less loved:

Boyhood

Guardians of the Galaxy

Wish I Was Here

Begin Again

Love,

Taylor

Good Girl

I’m sitting on my therapist’s couch, clenching wads of damp, mascara covered kleenax in my fist.

I’m a crier. If you get me alone and talking about anything remotely emotional, the tears just flood in. It’s uncontrollable. I don’t even mean to most of the time. I try not to. It’s something I used to feel like I had to apologize for.

My parents tell me that when I was a little kid all they had to do was give me a look or raise their voice and I would start sobbing in remorse. Apparently their mild signs of disappointment were enough of a punishment for me. And this is still a thing. A while ago someone wrote me a lengthy message all about why and how this particular thing I had done was wrong. It wasn’t even something I had done to this person, but they wanted to make their opinion known and because I felt like they were disappointed in me, it ate at me for weeks. I cried. I wrote replies and deleted them. I was praying to get a sense of whether there was something I needed to feel ashamed of. I felt self-conscious and worried until I came to a point of realizing I had absolutely nothing to apologize for. I was okay with this thing. The other person involved was okay with this thing. The person who wrote me the message was not okay with it, but did they really know everything going on? No. The point being…I tend to base how I’m doing/feeling on how other people are doing/feeling and it’s really annoying.

“So, if you weren’t being the care taker or the good girl, then who would you be?” my therapist asks me.

An impostor, but a less stressed and anxious impostor. No…I don’t know.

I get what she’s doing. She wants me to connect these roles to my own self-worth. And she’s right. Because in my mind, if I’m not sending you a random card in the mail, or bringing you soup when you’re sick, or driving you to the airport at 4:30 AM, or buying you coffee, or volunteering for your event, then you won’t have any reason to like me or desire to do the same for me. And if I’m not always encouraging, forgiving, listening, reachable, peaceful, putting the needs of others before my own, accomplishing my goals, following the rules, making sure everyone understands me and is okay with who I am, etc., then I’m not being a good girl. I feel worthless if I’m not those things. That’s been one of the hardest parts of getting divorced; not feeling “good” anymore. And it’s not like anyone is making me feel that way. I’m doing it to myself. Why? Because for me, it’s always been the wrong/bad choice and all these other choices piled up that led to the “bad” one. It’s the whole thing where the one thing you would never let happen, happens and life becomes painfully ironic. Sigh.

But I can’t just turn these instincts off. I’m probably always going to try too hard to do the right thing. I will feel insanely guilty if you’re ever unhappy with me. I’m always going to worry too much about how other people are doing. And maybe swear words will always sound contrived coming out of my mouth and I’ll never have the ability to smoke or take a shot without looking absolutely ridiculous. But hey, it’s cool guys. I have this sense of obligation to be someone no one needs to worry about, someone who doesn’t ask for much, someone who has it together, someone who is always reliable and conscientious. Someone who lives her life in the lines. Creative, colorful lines, but still organized in a particular fashion.

Maybe a sense of obligation isn’t the right phrase because I’m fairly certain it is ingrained in me. I’m okay with that. I wouldn’t want to be someone else. But I’m working on catching myself before I step too far, you know? There has to be a happy medium between, “Hey! These beautiful qualities make up the fabulous being before you” and,”You’re trying way too hard and becoming increasingly detrimental to your own mental health. Chill, lady.”

So, I’m working on not getting taken advantage of. On not feeling hurt when I give and don’t get what I’d expect in return. On not doing something because I should or shouldn’t but instead because I want or don’t want to. I’m navigating my way through the past, trying to piece together what happened that caused me to arrive at this particular place. And in doing so, I’m processing how to move forward and be more in tune with my own wants and needs. I’m trying to find my voice and not be afraid of it. I’m getting better at bracing other people’s emotions and opinions without making it all about me. Because honestly, (and this is what my therapist is so good at reminding me of) I’m not all that important. And that’s a relief.

Love,

Taylor

7 Things Sunday

One. I love baking. One, because I love eating…desserts in particular. Two, because I love sharing the goodness. On this dreary afternoon I whipped up a Key Lime Pie with homemade graham cracker crust for Sunday night group. YOU GUYS, I even garnished it with little lime wedges because that’s how into it I was getting. It must have been well received because there isn’t any left. Bye, bye little pie.

Two. Emily took me to see Once at the Civic Center and we loved it. I had seen the movie and owned the soundtrack, so it was really fun to see the stage production. I thought it was incredibly creative, humorous, and the music is brilliant. The set operated as a working bar, so before the show started we got to go up on stage, have a beer and watch the musicians play. How sweet is that?!

 

Three. This week my boss is out of the country on vacation, sooooo I am solely in charge of holding down the fort *gulp*. I’ve never temporarily operated a non-profit on my own. Wish me luck. Send me good vibes.

Four. I really like this:

Five. On Saturday morning I Skyped my friend Melissande (we went to Morocco together). We haven’t reallllly talked in almost a year, which I kick myself for, but we do a pretty good job of exchanging snail mail. I can easily go off on rants about all the more negative ways technology is impacting life, but then it redeems itself with moments like this…when I can have a coffee date with this dear friend who lives thousands of miles away. I can’t wrap my arms around her, but I can see and hear her beauty loud and clear. I realize Skype has been around for years now, but it still astonishes me.

Six. Why did the man not mind being bald?………Because he didn’t want toupee for hair. Hehehehehe.

Seven. The kids I work with love to laugh at how often I have no idea what they’re talking about. And then they make me guess, which apparently becomes the funniest part. I’m hoping that this is endearing for them in some way. In case you were wondering, this week I learned that calling a girl a “thot” means you’re calling her a ‘hoe’ or ‘slut’. A “bae” is the person you call or text ‘Before Anyone Else’. I said they should get me Hooked-on-Ebonics…but then I realized they’re too young to know about Hooked-on-Phonics. So that joke failed. Then I felt awkward.

Love,

Taylor