Tattoo & Taking Heart

Even though my parents were Christians and I grew up going to church with them, they were never pushy or forceful about religion. It wasn’t mandatory and they welcomed my questions and doubts. They wanted my faith to be something that I chose and when I was twelve I decided that I wanted to be baptised. To this day, I am thankful that they allowed me to make that decision on my own. I know that twelve is still very young. Like, what do you have to think critically about at twelve? How to beat Zelda on N64? How to dispose of your vitamin shake without mom seeing? But honestly, I remember thinking hard about that decision. It wasn’t something that happened because I had reached a certain age or because everyone else was doing it. It was a commitment I wanted to make. I had periods of time where I just went through the motions or ignored my faith altogether, but when I started to do mission work, I was never really the same again. It exposed me to the enormity of the world and rocked my tiny viewpoint.

My faith, which had once seemed small and simple became increasingly challenging and complex. I went to six different countries and in each I was confronted with injustice and brokenness that sank my heart and made my blood boil. But I found it impossible to be disheartened to the point of giving up on my faith because the people who had every reason to believe that God had abandoned them were the most faithful, resilient, grateful and joyful people. Consistently. Everywhere I went. And they could tell you of all the ways God provided for them. Even when the world was dark and evil, He was still good, they told me. There was never any denying of the loss that comes from war, poverty, famine, or disease…but there was always rejoicing in hope. I think in much of the third-world there is a greater understanding of Jesus’ words, “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). It’s not going to get any better, really. It seems like Jesus is warning everyone that life is always going to shit on you. It will lack logic and reason. It will be easy to lose heart but he says, take heart, people!  If you only live in the world, you’ll be full of anxiety and disappointment. If you live in me, you’ll find the peace and love you need to navigate allllll the troubles.

I have read quite a bit about the Celtic faith since being here and have appreciated this way of understanding. It developed far away from the Roman and Orthodox churches, starting around monasteries in the British Isles. It began with rural people, to whom tribe or kinship was very important and therefore living in community was essential. Being monastic, there was no real separation of living and praying. The Celts were very connected to the earth and an awareness of the elemental forces is woven through out their prayers. There is an emphasis on imagination which is emulated through symbolism, storytelling, and poetry. The monastic life is about a never-ending journey of the old into the new. It relies on a deep understanding of oneself and interior reflection, but the journey is not just a personal one…it is fundamentally about finding Christ in others, becoming a more loving person, and growth into relationships. Celtic spirituality has a deep sense of connectedness, valuing harmony and interdependence. This reflects their deep conviction to worshipping God as Trinity: three persons in a unity of love.

You know, thinking back to the places I’ve been…Christianity looked different everywhere I went. Obviously, there are core principles that remain the same…but the way it manifested and was expressed differed by culture and individual. It fascinates me that so many people possess this need to know what is ‘right’ and ‘true’ when we are all made differently. We have completely different contexts and backgrounds. I don’t understand how there could ever be one way of understanding that would work for 6 billion individuals. And this is one thing I find really beautiful about Christianity– God is bigger than your understanding. If Jesus is the way, the truth and the life…then you aren’t. And that is ok.

But anyway… In my reading, I stumbled upon a series of Caim prayers. “Caim” is a Scots Gaelic word meaning “sanctuary”, “protecting”, “encircling”. The encircling prayers affirmed the presence of God with them in the circle. Wherever they walked, God was with them, and they drew these circles around themselves as a reminder of God’s presence and protection. The Celtic way of prayer is rooted in the notion of Immanuel, “God with us.” These prayers have been so, so important to me in my time here. Carrying a deep awareness of Immanuel with me and ‘taking heart’ has been crucial to my sanity. I started out feeling extremely vulnerable when I arrived in Scotland. I was newly-divorced, thousands of miles away from home but five miles away from Clayton, beginning the most gruelling academic work of my life. My grandparents were diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and cancer. The rain, wind, and darkness (night starting at 2:30 pm is just not okay) felt like they would never let up. It suuuuuucked. I didn’t know how to navigate it and I definitely haven’t done it well the whole time. But hey, sometimes you win and sometimes you learn, right? I have done my best to encircle myself in sanctuary. I have reconnected with Jesus’ teachings and just what a badass he was. Is it okay to call him that? I don’t care, he was. Even in the darkest times, I have experienced the peace that comes from resting in His protection and love (and the bosoms of the fiercely amazing friends I have made here ;)). When I get hit with a wave of intense (insert emotion), I remember the Caim circle and am mindful of myself as a sacred space where God dwells, surrounded in every direction. I acknowledge what I am thinking or feeling and pray to keep the truth/positive within and the lie/negative without.

I drew my own Caim circle. And then I got it tattooed on my forearm.

Now it really is with me wherever I go.

Love,

Taylor

Inner|Outer

“If we give priority to the outer life, our inner life will be dark and scary. We will not know what to do with solitude. We will be deeply uncomfortable with self-examination, and we will have an increasingly short attention span for any kind of reflection. Even more seriously, our lives will lack integrity. Outwardly, we will need to project confidence, health and wholeness, while inwardly we may be filled with self-doubts, anxieties, self-pity, and old grudges. Yet we won’t know how to go into the inner rooms of the heart, see clearly what is there, and deal with it. In short, unless we put a priority on the inner life we turn ourselves into hypocrites.” – Timothy Keller, Prayer 

One of the things about being an internal processor is that it makes me more prone to over analysing everything. This was solidified last week when my counsellor said, “You process everything so well on you’re own that I’m not always even sure how to help you. Girl, you’re even good at therapy.” Can I get that skill endorsed on my Linkdin page? Ha. But really, this more or less constant state of self-reflection is something I like about myself and on the other hand, it also drives me f-ing crazy. While it involves being well-thought out and intentional, it also means that I have worried a great deal on the inside about how things appear on the outside. I have given priority to my outer life more times than I can count. After all, it’s what people see that matters, right? Honestly, would we be as content with our relationships, talents, humour, appearance, and thoughts if we didn’t post them and receive the instant gratification of it being liked, shared, and commented on? Do we alone attribute value to those aspects of our own lives, or is some part of their worth in the hands of those we share them with? I don’t know.

I can sit at my computer and write about how much I’ve grown since moving here, how much courage I’ve gained, how strong I feel, etc., and all of those are true to some degree because I have made efforts to prioritize my inner life, but they’re still simply projections. I’ve had to face the fact that what I project is where I want to be and/or where I think other people want me to be. However, that is usually not where I really am.

Facing where you really are involves moving out of your own way. I’ve had to be conscious of where my thoughts drift to when nothing is forcing me to think about anything in particular and I’m not looking at a screen. That tells me a lot. The whole world-turned-upside-down-type stuff that has happened in my life this past year has made the inner rooms of my heart a very hard place to frequent. When I’m down, I keep picturing Jillian Michaels in that 30 Day Shred workout video screaming, “Get comfortable with being uncomfortable!” That’s pretty much how it feels. Being on my own a lot…call it loneliness, call it solitude, has allowed me to see clearly what is there and I’m going to deal with it. The only thing that stands in the way of me getting to the place where my inside and outside match is me. As the brilliant Flannery O’Connor wrote in her prayer journal, “Dear God, I cannot love Thee the way I want to…I do not know You God because I am in the way…I have started on a new phase of my spiritual life…the throwing off of certain adolescent habits and habits of mind. It does not take much to make us realize what fools we are, but the little it takes is long in coming. I see my ridiculous self by degrees.”

Reading that I thought, daaaamn that woman is honest. And then it hit me…

Being honest.

That is what has made going inward, seeing, and dealing so difficult. That’s what is uncomfortable. I have become even more conscious of honesty since being immersed in a culture that is generally put off by it. I have been learning how to be brutally honest in prayer. I find it weird. Unsettling. It takes practice. I have always gone about my conversations with God in a beautifully civil manner. Sure, I’ve prayed through a good sob session plenty of times but lately its gotten real real…you know what I mean? Angry. Pissed. Gutted. Destroyed. Lots and lots of expletives. My entire life I have been keeping myself composed in front of the one from whom I can hide nothing. I just didn’t get to experience the goodness that comes from brutal honesty until I moved out of my own way. Until I abandoned composure. Until I started identifying where I am really at, venting like its my job, and processing it all without an ounce of restraint in God’s presence.

Praying is something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. Although it is the most referenced and commonly shared practice among all faiths, I think that prayer/meditation is one of the most talked about and least understood things ever.  For me, the confusion lies in that prayer is one of the ways I most profoundly experience God’s presence, and yet it is what makes me most aware of God’s absence. Keller also writes,”Perhaps we are so used to being empty that we do not recognize the emptiness as such until we start to try to pray.” Perhaps it is that loneliness which fuels our hunger; a hunger that is eventually always satisfied because ultimately, prayer is communion with God and that reciprocal love is God’s greatest desire.

Love,

Taylor

Freeeeee

So, I’m going to get kind of spiritual. If that’s not your thing…feel free to stop reading.

BUT something amazing happened to me and it can happen for other people too, so I think that’s the whole point of sharing.

I was at church and this woman prayed over me.

“At birth you were defined by joy. It was poured into you,” she said.

She took hold of my hand. My eyes met hers. Her gaze was confident and piercing, as if it were looking right through my soul. There’s only one other person I’ve met like this, and if you know the Rev Kev, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

“I think planted within you is truth. A desire for truth. To reflect truth. To bring truth. It’s who you are and what you do. But He gives you a gentleness and sweetness to bring it. It changes the very atmosphere.”

Woooah, lady. Way to make a girl awkwardly cry-laugh.

The incredible thing was she just stayed with me as I vomited out everything that was on my mind. She had no clue who I was. I just got here a few weeks ago. Yet, she was so…present. I found myself forgiving people for stuff I thought I was totally over. I was breaking off lies that I tell myself. There were moments where the weight of the burden or mourning was so heavy, I couldn’t even get words off my lips…but she’d hold my hand and led when I couldn’t. And this is what amazes me about faith. You can be in a place thousands of miles away from home, talking to someone you just met 1 minute ago, crying into their sweater about why your heart is broken, and they’re speaking these powerful words and it’s totally accepted because: Jesus.

And at the end, I had this huge sense of relief wash over me. I can’t even describe it. Well, maybe I can. It was like when you take the first gulp of air after you’ve been holding your breath under water. All of the guilt I had…gone. All of the disappointment…gone. All of the resentment…gone. All of the grief…gone. Images and memories that disturbed me…gone. It was as if my own identity of joy was restored. For the first time in my life I cried tears of bliss. Beautiful, unadulterated bliss.

You guys. I feel so f—ing free! So fresh. So clean. I can quote Outkast right now, right?

Hallelujah.

“He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

I knew it was coming. He’s so good, you guys. So good.

Love,
Taylor

7 Things Sunday

 

One. This week I cat sat while my mom was out of town. I wasn’t exactly a fan of waking up at 3:30 every morning to meowing for God knows what, but I did get to accomplish some things while having the place all to myself. Like this…

Two.  In case you all haven’t caught on to the fact that I love my job yet, I’ll just put in another shameless plug for ArtForceIowa and the privilege I have to work with the youths.

Here is the DSM Immigrant Hero video that the group I worked with made last week. Alejandro is a gem. We loved getting to hear about his job, heart, and vision:

Here are some of the t-shirt designs the kids have made through our screen-printing workshop. They are available to purchase here.

 

Here is a grid project we made in Art workshop on Thursday.

Three. I giggled about this sighting at the DSM Farmer’s Market for a long time. Come on, mom and dad! You’re supposed to catch these things. Hehehehe.

 

Four. While completing loan counseling for graduate school this week, I had a mild panic attack at how much student loan debt I will graduate with. It’s giving me second thoughts about the whole thing! I hate that everything comes down to the dollars in life. Fear & Logic Taylor is fighting with YOLO-Spirit Taylor and it’s a mess. I think YOLO-Spirit Taylor is winning, though.

Five.  I volunteered with a group of friends at the DSM Art Festival’s beer and wine tent Saturday afternoon. It was so much fun! Then we spontaneously had a tiny early celebration of my birthday, which I will sadly be gone for next week. We hot tubbed in a downpour, ate pizza and listened to live music, bought desserts at Gateway Market, danced to Katy Perry in Emily’s kitchen, and all crashed watching Moonrise Kingdom.

Six.  Friday night was book club with these beauties. We read Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (to which no one gave a score lower than 9/10. You won our hearts, Chimamanda. You won.). But for real, it was probably the best book I’ve read all year. I’ve read a couple of her books and she is a master story-teller. Americanah was extremely thought provoking, every topic it touches ripe with importance and incredible observation. The characters felt astonishingly real, wielding sentences that could pierce right through me. It is ballsy, exposing, and brilliant. Next on the list is An Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman.  

Seven. 

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa

 

Love,

Taylor