Good Girl

I’m sitting on my therapist’s couch, clenching wads of damp, mascara covered kleenax in my fist.

I’m a crier. If you get me alone and talking about anything remotely emotional, the tears just flood in. It’s uncontrollable. I don’t even mean to most of the time. I try not to. It’s something I used to feel like I had to apologize for.

My parents tell me that when I was a little kid all they had to do was give me a look or raise their voice and I would start sobbing in remorse. Apparently their mild signs of disappointment were enough of a punishment for me. And this is still a thing. A while ago someone wrote me a lengthy message all about why and how this particular thing I had done was wrong. It wasn’t even something I had done to this person, but they wanted to make their opinion known and because I felt like they were disappointed in me, it ate at me for weeks. I cried. I wrote replies and deleted them. I was praying to get a sense of whether there was something I needed to feel ashamed of. I felt self-conscious and worried until I came to a point of realizing I had absolutely nothing to apologize for. I was okay with this thing. The other person involved was okay with this thing. The person who wrote me the message was not okay with it, but did they really know everything going on? No. The point being…I tend to base how I’m doing/feeling on how other people are doing/feeling and it’s really annoying.

“So, if you weren’t being the care taker or the good girl, then who would you be?” my therapist asks me.

An impostor, but a less stressed and anxious impostor. No…I don’t know.

I get what she’s doing. She wants me to connect these roles to my own self-worth. And she’s right. Because in my mind, if I’m not sending you a random card in the mail, or bringing you soup when you’re sick, or driving you to the airport at 4:30 AM, or buying you coffee, or volunteering for your event, then you won’t have any reason to like me or desire to do the same for me. And if I’m not always encouraging, forgiving, listening, reachable, peaceful, putting the needs of others before my own, accomplishing my goals, following the rules, making sure everyone understands me and is okay with who I am, etc., then I’m not being a good girl. I feel worthless if I’m not those things. That’s been one of the hardest parts of getting divorced; not feeling “good” anymore. And it’s not like anyone is making me feel that way. I’m doing it to myself. Why? Because for me, it’s always been the wrong/bad choice and all these other choices piled up that led to the “bad” one. It’s the whole thing where the one thing you would never let happen, happens and life becomes painfully ironic. Sigh.

But I can’t just turn these instincts off. I’m probably always going to try too hard to do the right thing. I will feel insanely guilty if you’re ever unhappy with me. I’m always going to worry too much about how other people are doing. And maybe swear words will always sound contrived coming out of my mouth and I’ll never have the ability to smoke or take a shot without looking absolutely ridiculous. But hey, it’s cool guys. I have this sense of obligation to be someone no one needs to worry about, someone who doesn’t ask for much, someone who has it together, someone who is always reliable and conscientious. Someone who lives her life in the lines. Creative, colorful lines, but still organized in a particular fashion.

Maybe a sense of obligation isn’t the right phrase because I’m fairly certain it is ingrained in me. I’m okay with that. I wouldn’t want to be someone else. But I’m working on catching myself before I step too far, you know? There has to be a happy medium between, “Hey! These beautiful qualities make up the fabulous being before you” and,”You’re trying way too hard and becoming increasingly detrimental to your own mental health. Chill, lady.”

So, I’m working on not getting taken advantage of. On not feeling hurt when I give and don’t get what I’d expect in return. On not doing something because I should or shouldn’t but instead because I want or don’t want to. I’m navigating my way through the past, trying to piece together what happened that caused me to arrive at this particular place. And in doing so, I’m processing how to move forward and be more in tune with my own wants and needs. I’m trying to find my voice and not be afraid of it. I’m getting better at bracing other people’s emotions and opinions without making it all about me. Because honestly, (and this is what my therapist is so good at reminding me of) I’m not all that important. And that’s a relief.

Love,

Taylor

7 Things Sunday

7 things I’m trying to do:

One. Save $$$ for graduate school. If all goes as planned (which almost never happens in my life…so, we’ll see) I’ll be starting a MA in Arts, Festival, and Cultural Management in Scotland THIS September. I’m enrolled, I’ve applied for scholarships, I was accepted for student housing…now I just need to apply for a visa in June and hope they’ll take me. But there are all kinds of deposits involved and a lot to pay for in general. Plus, it would be nice to travel elsewhere if I have the time or resources. Wish me luck as I depart on a summer of bare necessities. Don’t ask me to eat out, plan a vacation or go shopping, people. If you have any personal tips or tricks on living the frugal life, please do share!

Two. Read more. I’m a go, go, go person. I like to pack my schedule with people to see and things to do. But lately I’ve been a book fiend. I couldn’t put down ‘The Circle’ by Dave Eggers, which is a thrilling/disturbing novel about a woman who works for the biggest, most influential internet company in the world. As her role there becomes more public and the company grows and implements new ideas, it raises big questions about memory, history, privacy, democracy, and the limits of human knowledge. I also recently read two books by Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: ‘The Thing Around Your Neck’, which is a collection of short stories that explores the “ties that bind men and women, parents and children, Africa and the United States”. And ‘Americanah’ which is a novel about a Nigerian couple who leave each other and their country to live separate lives in the West, but then they return to a very different Nigeria 15 years later and rediscover their homeland and each other. I loved and would highly recommend all of them. 

Three. Laugh every day. What is the most hilarious thing you’ve read, heard, or watched lately? I’d love to know because life is rough right now, friends. I need laughs. They say it’s the best medicine.

Four. Tell myself the truth. I lie to myself a lot. I think things that aren’t true, so then I feel things that aren’t true. And the media lies to us all the time, too. So that doesn’t help. I have found that when I’m on a slippery emotional slope or over analyzing something, I just start repeating truths to myself over and over again. Sometimes in my head, but it’s most helpful to say it out loud when I’m alone. I try to do it before I go to bed, when my mind is most susceptible to tired nonsense and unable to shut off.

Five. Meditate. I don’t know how people do it. I think shutting my mind off is unattainable. But I’ve been meditating on these words a lot:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not foresake them.” Isaiah 42:16

Six. Feel all the feels. Grieving is awkward. No one wants to do it. There’s no time for it. Everything in life is in motion, even if your insides are stuck in quick sand. When someone dies there’s time set aside for closure. There are days off work. Probably not enough, but there’s at least something. People come to you to. They say things like, “Take whatever time you need.” They bring you meals because they know you’ll be too sad to cook or feed yourself. No one says that when your marriage dies, but it’s just as life-altering. I’ve choked back tears in meetings, at the gym, talking with friends, ordering food (the most awkward one), etc. Break-downs are not becoming. No one wants to see that, right? But I’m trying not to suppress the feelings anymore. I’m not going to be embarrassed of them or feel pressured to always keep it together. I know that if I don’t grieve, I won’t be able to let go and if I can’t let go, I won’t experience healing. I’m going to stop telling everyone I’m doing well when I’m really not. I’m free to feel everything in its entirety: the emptiness, the fear, the hurt, because I know that I will survive and that the feelings will eventually pass. I know every day I can turn a little more over to Him. I know healing is a choice and it requires release.

Seven. Set more goals. My job now requires me to sit down with kids and figure out what their goals are and then follow up with them. If I’m going to make other people do it, I should probably do it myself. So, that’s sort of what this list is.

Happy

There I was standing in the kitchen washing dishes. Clayton was drying dishes and putting them back in their homes. Music was playing. We were half dancing to it and chiming in to the parts we knew. I was laughing about something and then I just was hit with a wave of happiness. I don’t know what induced it. But for whatever reason, in that moment I just felt happy.

And as I was reveling in that feeling, I thought…why don’t I just say it?

So I turned to Clayton and said,”Hey. I’m happy right now.” And it seemed like a weird thing to say in that way.

But then I thought of my little friend Henry (who is 2.5 years old) and how sometimes I’ll hear him say, “Guys, I happy! I happy now.”

It’s way cuter when he says it.

But I decided that I’m going try and be better at acknowledging when I feel happy or when someone makes me feel happy. I’m going to make an effort to pause and give those moments recognition. It is so easy for me to complain and to verbalize how tired, stressed, irritated, etc. I am. Why not do that when I’m having fun, enjoying who I’m with, where I am, or what I’m doing?

What made you happy today?

Love,

Taylor

Henry and I being happy