Getting it

Do you ever say you’re going to do something and then notice that the universe seems to be holding you accountable to what you said you were going to do? All of the sudden you find yourself in those fight or flight situations.

There were three different times this week where I had to hear feedback from people about my weaknesses and every single time it more or less involved the use of my voice.

Say it. Don’t hold back. Figure it out. Say what you want. Be bold. Be brave. Be assertive. Fight for it. Don’t be so eager to please. Yeah, well thanks everyone for sharing your feedback, but all of that ^ is not in my nature. It makes me uncomfortable.It’s just not me. Sorry.

Oh. Damnit. You said you were going to be be fierce this year, remember? Right. Ok, maybe I should figure this out. Maybe there’s something here.

There is. Of course there is. While being outspoken and stubborn is not in my wheelhouse (I seriously doubt it ever will be), it isn’t because I don’t have opinions or want to share them. I know that I can improve on this without having to alter who I am as a person. I’m working on tailoring (or taylor-ing. baahaaha.) this to fit who I am. Being assertive requires a certain degree of confidence that I struggle to reach. And while I would say that I fit the stereotype of the girl who doesn’t know what she wants, I could argue that it’s less about uncertainty and more about having to actually think about it…and then get over the fear of being daring enough to say it. Because when you’re bold and brave with your words and it backfires, zipping the lip feels way more comfortable. I have a chronic fear of not being enough, you know? That sounds cliche and boo-hooey. I feel stupid even writing it. But it’s true. When it came to my most important relationship, I never felt like I could be or do enough. As if I was entered into a competition in which I was set up for failure from the start. When I used my voice, it didn’t make the difference I was hoping for. Maybe I was asking for too much, over reacting, or wanting something unrealistic. Maybe if my body were this, that, or the other thing, it would have worked. The liiiieeesss. The lies we tell ourselves. I don’t think I struggle with self image or confidence any more than the average woman, but from a distance looking back…I realise how much both of those things have taken a beating in the past few years and the fact that other people notice I’m holding back is a sign that something needs to change.

BUT I refuse to look for verbal or emotional affirmation from someone else. I’m going to take the high road. It’s going to come from knowing myself and He who makes me brave and gives me my worth. My growing and stretching capabilities will be on par with freaking Gumby. My body confidence level will be that of a Dove ad campaign. My mind to mouth connection will be as audacious as Mr. West. Work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger. Take this, hataaaas. I’m done with hoping that someday I’ll be enough: successful enough, enough of a reason, desirable enough, fierce enough. Ew. Gross. What a stupid word. I’m just going to do away with it. Enough. It is time for some internal re-wiring. Rather than succumbing to an ounce of solo-mission blues, my first order of V-day business was to wear something that made me feel like a fox and dance around around my room to Motown. And it I was fierce awesome/beautiful/confident/happy/all those good things. Love, Taylor